AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married