[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro