Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
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To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body