The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My dog ate my work from home.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!