shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
You Might Also Like
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.