Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
☺️
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.