we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”