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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Stop being racist to kettles.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This could be us but you eatin’
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap