On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Meowchelangelo
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The Onion called it…again.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
welp
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)