Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Note to self: I am a note
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now