Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You Might Also Like
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Did a trash talking tree write this?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?