them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I need to get some bricks…
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Current mood: Potato