The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.