me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…