All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds