Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up