I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.