calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.