Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My neck my back my allergy attack
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I put the h in mysterious.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
thanksgiving in nutshell
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!