Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?