[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I can’t stop laughing at this
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Am getting real tired of your crap…
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?