GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.