If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.