SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.