Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My dad.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.