Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’m being attacked 😭
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Every time my phone rings
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.