she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Breaking news:
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running