The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons