Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”