Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.