ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m sorry…what?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I have obtained a hat
rich people when they have to pay taxes