For the baby who has everything
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Cool shirt 🙂
Beware of the “party goblin”…
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Denise please return my vape pen
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.