Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Does this dress make me look cat?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.