Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.