Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
You Might Also Like
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Teamwork makes the dream work.