American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”