5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.