Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves