*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.