Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
same energy
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?