If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You Might Also Like
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now