Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.