Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Are you a cat person or a person person?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Donkey Kong sommelier
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
my astrological sign is a french fry
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.