Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Don’t we all.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
plums roundup
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.