Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
This did not end as expected.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.