What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
not seeing the problem