Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Just how popey was the pope today?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Bobby pin
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”