The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
saw this in a dream
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.