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When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.