If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING